acerbic

i am setting up this blog from my office, where i've been reeling all day, struggling against the increasing pressure of stomach lining in my throat. the taste of bile is getting rather old. he blogged for awhile and his words made me roll my eyes, but my frustrated sighs were louder, oddly, when he removed the blog because he claimed it was too controversial to support his budding career. he feared his blog would become the surreptitiously released steamy sex tape of his universe. and he couldn't bear scrambling hilton-style for defense; although, i suppose it's more legit for him to be concerned than it is for someone like paris. i am sort of dreading thursday and the decisiveness i know the day could demand. i would like the line to be blue so that i don't have to smash and stomp what i've worked so diligently and delicately to erect. i would like the line to be blue because i would like to see her face when i show her what my urine's done, even if the blue-line future might prove fraught for our relationship and maybe increasingly stressful for me. transcendence. that's what i told him when i explained the whole scenario. that's what i'll have to locate somewhere inside the muddle of my motivations. there is a reason i wanted to do this in the first place. i digress. i have begun this blog to provide myself a sort of masturbatory cathartic forum. i need a space to vent that will therapeutically allow me to approach the current topics of contention without driving him crazy by flowing too furiously into his ears or making myself insane by keeping it bottled until it seeps, i burst. i am too preoccupied today with the imminent results of the test. anticipation always kills me. it's a good thing i'd go straight to hell, if there were such a spot. lingering in purgatory would be the, ha, death of me. like anticipating his departure--he tells me not to worry about it now, it's still so far away, he could get hit by a bus tomorrow and then what would i do? but. the anticipation, the unknown, the potentiality, the big fat fucking Maybe is what does it, probably more than the event itself. thursday, the test will show me a result and i'll respond accordingly. solidly. today, i'm left to wonder about the result and that's what gets me scrambly, leaves me spongily waffling. other points of contention that i'll have to leave today because she called needing my immediate attention:
1. the response to the massachusetts gay marriage decision.
2. this job continues to eat me.
3. this new revelation i have about her orientation, all the articles i've been considering, all the theories that have flitted through my mind without really coalescing.
4. it is so gray, so dank.