slowly s.......n.....a.......PING

argh. so much space.
trying for the new gig, hoping it pans out, brings some whew to my life. i need the relief. things are too much in the red.
i can't talk. the words are there and need to be spat, but i can't accelerate them out. whatever holds me back can only be insidious, indicative of future decay. i tried, feebly, skirtingly. and failed miserably, shamefully. i always disconnect. i have no bulletproof legal case, nothing but my heart, my impulse, which even i have never learned to trust.
i don't know if i want to be doing this anymore. i am making mistake after mistake after mistake.
everything's a game and i am the least strategic player on any of life's courts.
forest for the trees. i should have read her book, $4.99 discounted, now shoved in some dusty crevice, page 12 folded over, knowledge unimparted and stale. maybe it would help me finish.
he tried to motivate me towards the things he knows i need to be doing with myself. he is such a powerful force, even if he is a slightly silly. he motivates me more than he knows...in tiny, rushing waves...to find a new job because he can't stand my misery, to send out my stuff because he wants to read my words between hardcovers. carpe diem. which is why he momentarily wished that he were back there, celebrating at the apex of the mess.
he disappeared already and i'm aching for not having followed through. were bile not constantly cascading from my throat, i could have finished. i could have been the friend i wished to be, somewhat reciprocal.

i am over my head.