sidedish, tall and tasty

he got me.

holy shit, he got me.

his blue eyes, self-consciously cropped, chocolate-spattered facial fuzz, slow and syrupy smirk tipped slightly toward me to make contact over their heads, got me.

and he was right: it would hit me harder than it does daily him, because i'd dismissed the possibility. but, o, i could have fallen into bed. and, o, i thought i'd kiss his enticing mouth.

so, now, existential crisis for late springtime 2006, panging for a time when i had the freedom to fall into a tent with he who told me saturday i looked so good gripping the handles of that chair, calling his attention from afar, with he who never told her that he propped my leg against his shoulder and thrust hungrily into me, so we would later exchange knowing glances over her personality-less, bleached-out head as he pretended to be wholly consumed with her graduation festivities and not wistfully recalling a time of freedom that represented more for him than it did for me. later, drunk, he called and yearned for my own drunken glory, my perpetually absent inhibition, and i wished i had been there, wasted. i thought i had evolved beyond that.

i also thought it would be a full-breasted, dark-eyed woman who got to me that way. certainly not paradoxically arayan him, the wrong breed, but still perplexingly magnetic. certainly not with me as the hired help, not with me, farm-girl at heart, full of so much he didn't understand, so much i will never render comprehesible.

i told him weeks, months ago that cracks were beginning to form, that he needed to try to fill them before other elements crept in. he was not the element i expected would ooze into the gap. my persistence may be symptomatic of previously expressed desires, but, more probably, i gasped for air at the recognition of the throb because he evoked a deeper, unconsidered, rawer need and elicited an ache i've been too quick to attribute solely to him. i want, i want, i want. and what to do with that? i continue to be gauzily disloyal, driven by something i can't name, hiding deep in my denial.