bootstraps

his words dropped me seven stories. what a let down. so she didn't get everything, but she didn't get nothing, and the might as well have was searing. she said the response made her feel sad. like he didn't care. like he didn't have any faith in me. she said she admired that my response was to find a way to make it work, even though i know it's going to be a stretch. it's important. having her in a state of contentment next year in a place that accepts and appreciates and embraces her is worth the 4grand that i don't really have. and i think back to all the things she did when i was little, stuffing piles of $5 toys into her purse behind tall shelves so that she wouldn't have to tell us we were too poor, selling all her things so that we could have food, trying her hardest to give us the very best she possibly could. while i don't think attending the same school next year would be the ruin of her, she has an opportunity and i'm going to bust my ass to maximize it. even if it's only for a year. i don't know what prevents him from understanding the importance of this. he doesn't care about her in the same way i do. he hasn't known her for as long, after all, and as much as we love this game of house the fact remains that she's not his child. he doesn't have the same instincts. and maybe he never will. which only forces me further down. sad for him, for her, for us.
but she appreciated what i needed her to appreciate. her initial response was not too bad but can you swing it, which is different, which illuminates her awareness of the significance of this experience for her, of the difference it could make in her world. why isn't he there? and what made me assume that he would be?
90 different places is a lot. i don't know why it has to be so many, but i don't totally understand his realm, either. i don't think we could live apart functionally. it wouldn't work for me. not if we're to stay together in the long run. i would be willing to try it, if nothing else could work, but i doubt i'd manage to shake the mileage. i think it would press too heavily on me. and on him. and on her. it could destroy us. but so could moving to phoenix... where my options would be extremely limited and i would feel oppressed and unsure of us. i need some certainty before we make that move. which we need to discuss before we make our next move.
and i think of them, how much he's willing to compromise and decide on the basis of her. they've been together much longer, of course, and apart much more, but he's applying only in la because that's how he'll be with her. it's a matter of prioritizing, i think. i want him to have all the options he possibly can, but i don't want him to assume that, no matter what he chooses, i'll defer my world and hers to accomodate it.
hurdle tomorrow. i'm not nearly as stressed as i had been. it's just words and numbers on a screen. just bubbles and a score. and i don't have to be the best. i don't have to know everything. i just have to score highly enough to get in. eighth grade math has never been my thing. as long as score above 650, i think i'll be ok.
his words to me like flames, sparking something old that we shared. and he's about to disappear, having never maximized the potential that was ours. our friendship has been so convoluted, so twisted, so ill-defined. we merge beautifully when we're together, but the time is brief and dissolute.
his words to me like retardant, suffocating. i don't know how to respond. i don't know what he wants me to say. yes, yes, yes, let's spend the time together. it won't be awkward at all.
he is so kinetic. he bangs as if he wants to burst through me, tear my skin in two. which is what i hope they won't, like 25% of outcomes, have to do.