humbly mumbling

him into the phone, dating older women, thinking about africa, so much unborn brilliance in his head. i wish i had the magic password, that i could help him release it for the world. he knows the potency of his power. he knows he is multivariably attractive and part of him knows his shit would sell, part of him knows he could snag, bag and lag along with any woman who walked his way. he is not nearly as alone as he suggested. part of him seems fearful still: as much as he scoffed at the ladies' baggage, he's toting a heavy suitcase of his own.
my festering secret slithered out from under its rock today. and largely pissed him off. he approached me as though i were more pervasively irresponsible. as though i were instead blowing the money on superfluous designer wear when my underwear is going threadbare it's so desperately in need of replacement. as though it weren't truly a matter of not having the cash. on hand. or anywhere else. he later explained that that wasn't his intent. but i am keenly aware of our fiscal divide. i wonder what it would have been like to have been a child who was not sorely attuned to her parents' lack of finances, a child for whom money was not a constant peripheral (or central) nag. different. and i'm sure i would approach monetary matters less frantically if i felt that somewhere, anywhere there were a safety net. if i felt that as soon as the ball's started its downhill roll it's possibly headed anywhere other than for the worst and fast.
LMP: i need to get my shit in gear. if anything could make a difference, it could be that. how many repetitious entries can i write without so much as glancing at the actual file? i am too tired to write continuously. why did i not donate my ova before this undertaking. i could use the cushion.
my stark lack of cushion and the cowering it incites is a flaw, wide and gaping, and i needed to duck and cover. i couldn't stop my tears and i was suddenly bashful before him, partly because i didn't want to be equated with her and partly because it is such a source of searing personal shame.
words i read trickle together in my head. my mind is bleary without leary's aid. my one true inclination is towards hibernation. i covet her energy as much as she detests the lack in me.