i want it NOW

how many, many days.
he can't write.
but neither can i, even if i have a greater grasp of convention.
i don't have entirely selfless motivations for my offer to help him.
or him.
last night, i was there. but not really. the men who parachuted down on me did so to hit me with water balloons, not rpgs. i worry about him. my subconscious is obsessed with him. he has speckled my dreams for the last few weeks. vibrantly. in ways i can't explain, except that somewhere i must want him here beside me, just to know he's safe.
he'll be a different person when he returns. i wish to god i had the power to stop that. i wish to god the idiot in the white house knew half of what he was doing.
and i'm sick as hell of hearing everyone call the prison abuses appalling. no one should be surprised. these people aren't evil. they're acting on orders, role playing what's been beaten and siphoned and shoved inside of them. they've been taught to hate iraqis, like he was taught to have the viet namese, like nazis were taught to hate jews. atrocity inevitably arises. why anyone is ignorant enough to have expected otherwise i'll never understand.
29 weeks: he would be viable in the world. he is a big boy now. he could survive on his own. but he's better for now inside me. he's better for now needing, kneading me. birth is daunting for her in ways it's never been for me. i wish i could squeegee off her squeamishness, somehow make her understand that it will be all right. i'm bigger than this event. twelve hours or slightly more is such a dainty slice of my life. and hers. it's unfortunate that the same time period has wreaked such shattering havoc on her world. it will be monumental. but there will be so many hours to follow.
it doesn't have to be tragic. that's what i'd like to get across, what i may never manage to get across until i prove, squatting, spreading, pushing that he is perfectly all right. and so am i.
he interacts interestingly with his family. we continue to be such dichotomous entities the way we roll with our relatives. my impulse is to urge him to stand up to her, let her know that he's not responsible and that he doesn't appreciate her condescencion, let her know that next time they interact needs to be different. but that's not his style, and i don't know what makes me think i know better than he. i've never even met her. i just don't want to feel him seething near me when he finally hears the dial tone.
i asked.
and he said not right now.
his mind is full of as many hypotheticals as mine.
i'm just so much more impulsive.
and, like she said, i'm fearless to a fault.