sorta fairytale

so it goes, one experience blending numbly into another, crisis marked by crisis; joyousness marked by tardiness, mishap, glowering grooms with beaming brides who forgot that they were 1.5 hours late as soon as they slipped on their fairytale shoes. the latter 1/2 of 2006 filled with familial tension and ob experiences both professional and personal that tore my heart strings, made me need to write, but left me oozing, drained, with neither time nor capacity.

so many sad births to so many beautiful babies. alive and dead. and he preparing to take his own journey off what he calls the mudball, claiming the experience as exclusively his own, forcing everyone out in his furious denial. i feel pretty like a four..................

so here i plunge from bagging babies and biting my tongue not to scream at each of them to make it hers, hers, hers, not theirs because birthing babies is not about provider convenience and while they've handled cases 14 times today, it is the first birth she's attended today to critical care and cardiac arrest, learning to code with the best of them so that my fingertips know as my heart does what to do in crisis.

and she sits across from me, inching closer to me as her girlfriend traipses her hollywood tan and chanel lips around the house, parading the baby we all know she can't stand around the room, ice-blue eyes boring into me, telling me if i need her, she's there; she understands the loss. 5 times for her, but she's so much older than me. and it's three deaths, one wrenching 1/2 life for me. she sits across from me wishing that she'd found me to talk codes and med mal before she found her to ogle.

and she perches on the other side of the room, eyeing me uneasily, telepathically transmitting messages to not let on that i know what he doesn't know, may never know, could not possibly want to know except that it would definitively end his marriage, and today might be better than next year. if it weren't for the money.

so, resolution 2007: writing, exploring, screening out, exposing. getting myself back on track. first things first, gotta nail this exam. breathe, breathe, push.