t and f i'm so perplexed

i am so clumsy, completely fumbling. more T and less F i need. i told him last night that my heart needs to stop taking over. it causes such trouble, leads me down roads better avoided. worst, though, is that i never notice. not until much, much too late.
so much sex since he returned and incredibly intriguing affection. it's time for us to have a talk. my alleged liability is already on the table. that point, now, is moot. and i need to make some serious decisions. T stuff i've been avoiding because F is so much smoother, my easy, natural default.
arguing with her is driving me crazy. hiding behind my screen, i'm so much more aggressive. if it causes a rift, at least i'll have addressed it.
i can't bear to listen to them, clucking away like hyperactive hens. i need a different space.
or a fresh perspective. it's a new year, after all.
resolutions i made are not to be needy, which isn't working out so well...i melted into him in the shower yesterday, absorbed entirely in the heavy pressure of his strong, tightly wrapped arms; i am needing him in spite of myself. resolutions i made are to clean out last year's closet. slowly but surely. whenever he's ready, she's ready, the world's ready. i am. no resentful dust mites lurking under this year's events.
i couldn't guess where i'm headed. 2003 held so many odd surprises.
things i am sure 04 has in store:
more job-hating, job-hunting, money-grubbing, child-rearing
more exhaustion of every sort
more wrestling
application after application after application
life-changing decisions
labor and delivery, baby
movement
things i want 04 to have in store:
satisfaction
completion
success
acceptance after acceptance after acceptance
a niche for her
health
a defined space for us
synchrony
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. i reclaimed the word only to start to hate it. he wants to fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. only. what does that mean?
conversation with him and her this afternoon have me convinced:
i need to get to the bottom of things, two or three of them. it's time we made some progress.