bootstraps

his words dropped me seven stories. what a let down. so she didn't get everything, but she didn't get nothing, and the might as well have was searing. she said the response made her feel sad. like he didn't care. like he didn't have any faith in me. she said she admired that my response was to find a way to make it work, even though i know it's going to be a stretch. it's important. having her in a state of contentment next year in a place that accepts and appreciates and embraces her is worth the 4grand that i don't really have. and i think back to all the things she did when i was little, stuffing piles of $5 toys into her purse behind tall shelves so that she wouldn't have to tell us we were too poor, selling all her things so that we could have food, trying her hardest to give us the very best she possibly could. while i don't think attending the same school next year would be the ruin of her, she has an opportunity and i'm going to bust my ass to maximize it. even if it's only for a year. i don't know what prevents him from understanding the importance of this. he doesn't care about her in the same way i do. he hasn't known her for as long, after all, and as much as we love this game of house the fact remains that she's not his child. he doesn't have the same instincts. and maybe he never will. which only forces me further down. sad for him, for her, for us.
but she appreciated what i needed her to appreciate. her initial response was not too bad but can you swing it, which is different, which illuminates her awareness of the significance of this experience for her, of the difference it could make in her world. why isn't he there? and what made me assume that he would be?
90 different places is a lot. i don't know why it has to be so many, but i don't totally understand his realm, either. i don't think we could live apart functionally. it wouldn't work for me. not if we're to stay together in the long run. i would be willing to try it, if nothing else could work, but i doubt i'd manage to shake the mileage. i think it would press too heavily on me. and on him. and on her. it could destroy us. but so could moving to phoenix... where my options would be extremely limited and i would feel oppressed and unsure of us. i need some certainty before we make that move. which we need to discuss before we make our next move.
and i think of them, how much he's willing to compromise and decide on the basis of her. they've been together much longer, of course, and apart much more, but he's applying only in la because that's how he'll be with her. it's a matter of prioritizing, i think. i want him to have all the options he possibly can, but i don't want him to assume that, no matter what he chooses, i'll defer my world and hers to accomodate it.
hurdle tomorrow. i'm not nearly as stressed as i had been. it's just words and numbers on a screen. just bubbles and a score. and i don't have to be the best. i don't have to know everything. i just have to score highly enough to get in. eighth grade math has never been my thing. as long as score above 650, i think i'll be ok.
his words to me like flames, sparking something old that we shared. and he's about to disappear, having never maximized the potential that was ours. our friendship has been so convoluted, so twisted, so ill-defined. we merge beautifully when we're together, but the time is brief and dissolute.
his words to me like retardant, suffocating. i don't know how to respond. i don't know what he wants me to say. yes, yes, yes, let's spend the time together. it won't be awkward at all.
he is so kinetic. he bangs as if he wants to burst through me, tear my skin in two. which is what i hope they won't, like 25% of outcomes, have to do.

no kind of pachyderm

again, time trickles past.
one hurdle rapidly approaching...she is so consistently encouraging, inspiring. i wish there were a program at harvard i could attend just so i could be near her, maybe work with her. she represents everything i someday hope to be...while i'm wary of putting her on a pedestal the way i did her two years ago only to have her crash into violent shambles at its base, her words are magic to my eyes. and she has such incredible faith in me. already.
i cannot wait to meet my corporeal mentor.
my personal statement trickled into conception as i read her words. i do have something to offer and am not interested in hoarding. that's why i'm going to get in......even if i bomb the fucking gre.
she doesn't seem particularly keen on the m.a. idea, partly because i think she routinely squirms at the ease of achievement of others. she wants everyone's attempts to be stultified and terrifying the way hers were. she wants us all to suffer. maybe he'll find some gem for me that will make her qualms irrelevant. it's not that i'm especially sold on the idea or that i truly value the degree, but i'm now motivated just to say that i did it. which is probably not a good reason for pursuing anything. and 40g's is a lot of money. still, there may be finagling to be had. and if there is, i'll find it.
she's split with him because he told her he thinks about having sex with other women, and my gut reaction, the initial blurt from my lips was "every single guy on the face of the planet does that." which she countered curtly. i want to think she's ridiculous and deluded, but this is such a fine line. because i am such a green, green creature. and i bristle insecurely at the thought of other women with less jiggly asses strutting past him, inciting erection. he thinks about having sex with other women. i know all of them think about having sex with other women. he writes to me to tell me that he thinks about having sex with me, not her, which has me panging slightly for her. but i know this is standard. and in any other medium than his mind, i would presume it was a given. if i could find what makes me irreconcilably frantic with him and dam the flow, i would be as content as they come.
and if i could shake my double standard, that'd be nice, too. i will never divulge my primary fantasy, partly because i would never want it to come true, partly because it's shaming in an awkward sort of way, because i don't truly believe in that position for women, because i don't truly want to be so objectified, because, really, it's not about me. it's not about him. it existed long before. it became my crutch.
so there's something to fantasy that keeps it fantasy and makes it worth having as a conception (although i still contend it interferes...i know it does for me), but avoiding altogether as a reality or even a serious discussion.
i need to watch porn with him again. i balked to quickly last time. i need to take that plunge again.
he wriggles and disturbs my bladder now. my ghetto booty sprouts in tandem with his new cells. i am getting large. beauty is skin deep. her skin is tan and meticulously managed. her make-up is heavy but flawless. her hair is immaculately and regularly highlighted, blowed dry, hairsprayed. her size 6 figure is enviable. nothing, nothing is ever out of place. and he said she's not what he finds sexy. but he did ask if it made me jealous that he'd be taking her alone to his apartment. and there is something to that.
like he enjoys the knowledge that inside i'm seething.
i can't wait to start working with him again. i need to be doing things that are meaningful to me, need to be surrounding myself with people who are meaningful to me. especially as they slip further down my well-greased slope, especially as their inner rot falls out for all to see. there will undoubtedly be the natural elapsed-time divide between us, but i trust the both of us to pave it quickly.
she makes a wonderful point, one i was glad to read and glad to know he'd read as well. i think he's coming around. he's agreed to attend her talk. i don't know yet if he recognizes the fire this composite stirs in me, or if he fully appreciates why the exposure of the flawed power structure makes me giddy, why i want so badly to fight against the established, accepted, now regularly anticipated protocol, but i think he's beginning to see.
late late late. everything penetrates so deeply. if not more beautiful, i need a thicker skin.