little missus

has it been a whole month? i don't know where the time goes. it trickles, it pours, it sneaks off down the drain. three weeks, she said...it could be just three weeks more and how absolutely delighted i will be to exit stage left, looking back only in amusement...no regret, despite their insistence that i will regret it when i leave...the comfort, the security, the paychecks. pshaw. i'll be much happier structuring my universe on my own. and health insurance will make its way to me. how do people let themselves become such victims of an utterly feeble machine?
he's sitting low in my pelvis. i can't walk three feet without feeling like i desperately need to pee. last night, we managed better than we've managed in some time. he's so stressed and tired all the time. i'm so heavy heavy heavy in every possible way.
i needed him to hear me and process what he heard the way he seems to have done. he seems to be invested in changing the behavior, he seems to want to rebuild their relationship. i don't know why i let it get so brittle. i don't know why i thought that i could continue to be their mediator. if we're all going to live together and vibe together, it can't be a constant strain, she can't feel like a chronic pain, and i can't feel like it's my job to hop from one to the other, mending and negotiating. we have to be a tryad supported by strong dyads from every angle. if one support starts to waver, our entire structure eventually will crumble.
today's drizzle makes me yawn, seeps into my skin. i can't remember such exhaustion. and i don't understand why i have this overpowering urge to get married. a year ago, i would have thought never, never, never. it wouldn't have crossed my mind. so much has changed. i never thought i could uphold my feminist ideals and still wash the dishes at the end of the night, still want to be mrs. someone. who knows when he'll be ready? who knows if? the 448 step puts me on edge. there's so much more, in some odd way, at risk now if it all goes to shit. i guess he knew this, somewhere; i guess that's why he put it off so long. i guess he didn't want the chance to teeter, topple, tire of one another. it would sting a little more now to unravel. still, i'm ready to meld entirely. probably for the certainty, the security (the same i'm so hastily trashing at work). what does that say about needy me?