everything changes

everything has changed.
so much for the worse.
i loathe the mirror and only partly because i can't stand what hovers therein. mostly, i loathe the mirror for the superficiality it instills in me. because i hate that i care whether he should be aesthetically drawn to me. because i hate that deepdown i'm the kind of person who cares whether she's a six or a twelve.
everything has changed. everything is different. suddenly, i'm in sixth grade, getting tits and ass, completely self-conscious of every creeping inch of my altered skin. it shouldn't be like puberty---things are fundamentally the same. but the underground morphing still swallows me.
glandular. the way i feel is glandular. but that doesn't make it any better. like horseface saying that paxil and prozac are great because they take away the personal cupability and shame that have hovered around diseases. but does that make it any better? in the moment?
everything has changed. and it leaves me so repulsively needy. so desperate. and overwhelmed. and eager to foldup and disappear.