push

don't obligatory me, i wanted to scream in his face. don't tell me that you love me, that you wish you could lie beside me all morning instead of hastily jumping from bed to let me lie naked, pained and alone as i watch you as you tug yourself into your white underwear and tshirt, your maroon button-up and gray slacks. this morning, i could have been anyone, anything...it would have felt the same. he could have been anyone, anything and i still would have been in pain. it was not about me. it was not about us. i need to have this baby. i need to unwind, rewind to a phase of my life in which i was not so emotionally fragile, in which i would not have noticed his ready dismount, his rapid recovery. in which i would have been as happy to be untangled as he was this morning. it was not about me, but that's part of what was so crushing. i need to be more to him right now than a warm, wet masturbatory receptacle. which he flaccidly suggests i'm not.
it's been a week since i thought it was the day. a week since i woke with a start and started counting. a week since i thought this would all suddenly be finished. and i can't stand a moment more. the contractions have increased in intensity and agony. they tug at my core and stretch and pull me in directions i didn't know existed. i have to breathe through them now, focus intently on each hardening to ensure it doesn't capsize me. i just want the real thing to commence. i'm sick of dancing in this purgatory.
there are too many purgatories in my life. between the two of us...i write him my heart and he responds with nothing. then tells me he hopes he doesn't die on me when he's 55. and i don't know what to do with that.
i want to push this baby out. i want to push everyone who's crowding me, begging for a slice of me...my mind,my arms, my humor, my pussy, my smile, my womb, my reassurance...away. i want to have this baby and be left to bleed and weep alone. for a long time, no one has known how or what to give. i need to stop needing it from them. i need to stop giving, but i need to stop wanting even more. more contractions. strong. close. maybe today, like yesterday and the day before and the day before and the day before, will be the day...